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No more shame...a post by Kelly Johnson

1/8/2018

7 Comments

 
Originally posted on January 7, 2018 at Restoring Olivia...
Picture

​I had a hard time writing in 2017...

It was this persistent feeling of having to "wordsmith" each and every post. An unrelenting feeling of pushing back what I really wanted....and needed to write about. As time went on it became impossible and the words stopped coming.

I mean, this is my journey....my story, so why am I fudging my way through blogging it? I think I misinterpreted who my audience is, and what they "want" to hear. A couple months ago I heard a heartbreaking interview with a young couple who had recently lost their 20-month old son.  It was her question that rocked my world...... It went something like this....."Why haven't I heard stories of other children before? If I would have heard their stories, I may have questioned it and made a different choice and he would still be here."

I need to apologize to this young couple. I need to tell them I'm sorry for being a coward. I haven't been brave enough. I feel as though I've lived two lifetimes with this sobering reality. I've learned so much about Olivia's situation and am passionate to put my pen to paper, but in order to move in that direction, I need to explain an important truth.
Olivia's illness....her disability.....her uncontrolled seizures....this cruel interruption to our lives is the result of vaccine injury. I know, it's a hard reality for some to accept, but unfortunately, it is true. Vaccines destroyed my daughter's health.

It's been my family's reality for 18 years now.

​Vaccines killed that couple's little boy.

I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

It's been 18 years of people not wanting to hear it. 18 years of being silenced. 18 years of being looked at like I am delusional or misinformed, or my favorite...... I'm desperate. A desperate mom looking for anything to blame.

Shame is a sneaky one. It's invisible and destructive. Carl Jung deems it the "soul eating emotion", Brene Brown says shame is the "swampland of the soul". Although some of us bring it on ourselves, the act of "shaming" is prevalent. Words or emotional body language thrown our way, leaving us with seeds of emotional baggage. Like every good seed, it's cultivated and grows.....I'm not smart enough to understand.....I'm not good enough to be worthy of someone believing it.....someone has to be the "sacrificial lamb" to keep our society safe.....just accept your daughter's "genetic" illness......science is never wrong, you are.....she's complex and there is no real reason, it's just the way she was born. These are just a few of the words spoken to me by doctors, others in the healthcare field, family, and friends.  It's always someone else's job to set you straight - right?
You'd think I would have been able to overcome this feeling after 18 years, especially since I had a lot of experience with it growing up. What is it about having red hair and freckles that makes you the perfect "shaming" target? Complete strangers, classmates, and even teachers felt confident and comfortable teasing me about my freckled face and/or my unique shade of red hair. We all have heard the rhymes - "I'd rather be dead than be a redhead", "carrot top", or "Look at all those freckles, can I count them".  Why not just scream, "you're different and you're ugly so go hide, go away, you're not worthy."

I have to admit, the red hair and freckle jokes did make me stronger. It gave me a perspective on cruelty and it provided me with a great life lesson......people can be idiots, don't internalize it...... thrive, don't dive, and that is what I did......I let the cruelty strengthen me. Even though at the time, I wasn't a "practicing Christian" (I believed in God but wasn't actively engaged), I can look back now and see that I became a stronger person/personality from those personal attacks.

I get it. People don't want to imagine that vaccinations have negative consequences. We don't want to think that we take our healthy child to well visits and actually allow bad things to happen. We all can agree that we just want to keep our children healthy. It's almost like an act of obedience. It's just what we do.
We want to feel confident as parents. We want to have confidence in the decisions we make for them... for their future. Some of us really don't want to learn something that may question our decisions. It makes us do crazy stuff. It's what made a college friend of mine think he needed to call me and set me straight. I'll never forget that phone call. "Kelly, there is a story in the Star Tribune that proves you are wrong. MMR did not cause Olivia's seizures or Autism. They are right, you are wrong. (Shame) I will mail you the article." Click. Shame. Hopelessness. Shame. Sinking back into a hole. Shame.

Brene Brown knows a thing or two about my shameful position. "Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”

That looks a lot like pride, doesn't it? Voicing the truth about how vaccines ruined my child's life brought into question his decision and therefore that needed to be defended. In reality, it comes down to a belief system, wouldn't you say? I was taught that vaccines save lives. I acquired that "belief", not from researching and learning on my own, rather by "trusting" individuals and organizations that I believed in. Period
.
I believed what I was told.........vaccines are safe and effective. But the problem is, I didn't learn the whole truth. Did you know that legally vaccines are deemed "unavoidably unsafe" and that is why Reagan's administration signed into law the "National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act". This law provided vaccine manufacturers complete protection of financial liability in the event that a child was harmed or died as a result of their product. Dangerous product/no liability. No wonder the number of required vaccines administered to young children has skyrocketed since 1986.

I wish I would have known Truth. That "He made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:13-14

Could it be that He made a mistake? That's the big question for any Christian. Did God mess up with His creation of our immune system? Do we need to "help it" by injecting a myriad of toxic chemicals to become or stay healthy? What gives?

2018. The year to step up and be brave. Even if you are skeptical of my claims, I hope you stick around and consider what I have learned over the last 18 years. Learn about the difficult journey of a vaccine injured child and the tragic fall out to the entire family. You can do it anonymously. It's time to get real.

I absolutely love this fellow redhead. Princess Merida from Disney's "Brave". I love this quote even more. "Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth so that one's destiny intertwines with many others. It's the one thing we search for or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led."

"Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth so that one's destiny intertwines with many others. It's the one thing we search for or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led."
​Disney's Princess Merida

Destiny. Intertwined with others. Fight to change.

If you've seen the 'Brave" movie, you know that Princess Merida's free will put her in her dire situation, just as my free will landed Olivia where she is. We both trusted hocus pocus. We both tempted God's Will in our loved one's lives, not completely understanding the fallout and consequences.
Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.” (Jeremiah 33:3, MSG)

Pretty sure this scripture means we can be led.
​



​Apparently, to God, I guess a 
warrior can look like this:

Freckles and all. Shameless.
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​Last Brene Brown quote. Did you know that vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage? That it is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change?

Not sure why I'm being vulnerable. I just feel led.

Don't worry, sweet friend. I'm not going to exclusively talk about vaccines, this blog is still about Olivia's healing. I needed to put her story in perspective with the truth of what landed her here.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  Marianne Williamson

Picture

​Thank you, Kelly, for permission to share.

​For more posts by Kelly Johnson, visit and follow "Restoring Olivia at www.restoringolivia.com.


7 Comments
Heidi sandall
1/11/2018 07:13:00 pm

Love😊

Reply
Kelly Johnson
1/17/2018 11:49:02 pm

Thank you Heidi!

Reply
Malinda H
1/11/2018 10:53:30 pm

Love this post! Thank you for sharing your story...don’t give up, ignore the haters! You are doing the right thing. I believe you know what hurt your daughter!!! I am so sorry for what your daughter and your family have gone through 😥

Reply
Kelly
1/23/2018 10:27:05 pm

Thank You Malinda!

Reply
Sharon
1/12/2018 12:05:35 pm

Dear One,
I am sorry your child and family, and so many others have been injured by vaccines--and I support your voice, may it be heard on ears that may hear and be information for others who seek. May readers of your blog be stirred to investigate for themselves, and make more informed decisions.
Man errs in thinking he is greater than Creation. We do have wisdom within our spirits, bodies and minds beyond man's scientific theories and applications. And there are universal laws for health and wellbeing. For example, clean air and water, wholesome foods, sound rest and sleep, mindfulness, positive and supportive environment, balanced time for self, others, and to-dos, etc .......Soundness in decision making each day and over seasons will allow greater health, respecting how we are made and function. Also understanding of how to nurture our adaptations to environment when needed. There are natural ways to support ourselves.
I am thankful for your courage, despite your felt-challenged history, to seek understanding and write your thoughts of your emotions, history, evaluations of those you thought you could trust, discovering through research information that all should see and hear before making the decision to vaccinate, and to come to understand how thoughts, beliefs, others....others do not have a right to tell us who we are, but getting to your heart and spirit does.
I am thankful for your writing...expressing with grace, tact, logic, and sympathy.
Now seems to be a ripe time in history for movements to gain ground and strength, even in David and Goliath-type scenarios. There are so many movements to bring light on subjects....is there one for vaccine injured children and families? Have you thought about beginning one?
I've read discussions and research since the 1980's, ... Robert Mendelsohn, Bernie Siegel, Neil Z Miller, ++and Barbara Loe Fisher. With my small voice and sharing, I think a few dozen parents over the years chose not to vaccinate after they read, studied, and discussed health and the immune system. You have a bigger voice. I encourage you to follow your golden heart and share as you did here. Thank you.
and There will always be others who have different pov; it's opinion. Your voice stands on experience, and investigation. You are not making others' decision...you are allowing them more information so they may research, discuss ramifications, make informed decisions, for their children and families. For people who choose to vaccinate, they are on a path of their own too--and weighed whatever choices they have, with information at the time. Some who are vaccinated may do okay...I don't know how, as what ingredients/toxins are within the vaccines, and the timing and number of doses are potentially, to definite, assault on the maturing immune system, and established immune systems, as well as cellular metabolism, neurology, organ and tissue systems as the ingredients are processed by the body, including blood-brain barrier, etc. What effects are immediate to over a lifetime are known and unknown. The/any protection from the diseases by vaccines is questionable--the paperwork they give to be signed before injections say this, as well as death may be caused. ..... Pharmaceutical companies protected by government no matter what....this should bring in the Supreme Court's investigation, don't you think, eh?
Last thought...red hair and freckles is a beautiful wonderful trait!!! and don't you forget it (of course, this is my opinion, and 3 of 3 great mentors of mine were red-headed and freckled). We are all wonderfully created. In sincerity, Sharon

Reply
Kelly
1/23/2018 10:33:17 pm

Thank you so much Sharon! I absolutely loved reading your comment....everything you said is full of truth. I agree with you, I think a movement for vaccine injured children should be started and I would love to start it but I have to think about how. I want to continue sharing Olivia's story. I truly believe 2018 is going to be a good year for her! Please follow our journey at www.restoringolivia.com ! I've been thinking about doing a couple video's with her ---- we'll see how it pans out. I have to teach myself iMovie. Blessings to you!

Reply
Sherrie B.
3/19/2018 01:34:20 pm

So proud of this mama! I started a blog in order to share information on Vaccines and connect with other like-minded parents because it is so easy to feel alone and retreat. I never found the courage to make myself vulnerable to criticism. I understand the concept of "word-smithing"! This is beautifully written, good luck with the journey, and God bless!

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